My friend walked up to me and said, “So, when are you going to write an article about this?” She swept her arm in a wide circle encompassing the large field, dugouts, parents, referees, and players. Yup, baseball had started. I had to laugh. Anyone with children in sports can relate to the humor. Children’s activities can be extremely emotional to the child, parents, coaches, teachers and spectators alike. Countless times my stomach has been tied in knots watching my sons play ball. Countless times I have wanted to do the unimaginable to ALL of the people above because, let’s face it, our kids bring to the surface our deepest emotions. Nothing and no one could possibly bring about more love, fear, excitement, anger, and joy than our children.
I would guess that if parents were asked why they allow their children to participate in sports or other activities they would say things like to become a good sport, learn responsibility, handle pressure, increase their self-esteem, have fun, make friends, and be healthy. These desires and similar ones constitute the long-term goals parents have for their children. Unfortunately, short-term fixes often rule our emotional brain. We all blow it! Lost in the emotionality of the moment, we focus on “quick fixes.” We tell, or sometimes yell, to the child what they did wrong. Other times we try to fix what a spectator, coach or referee is doing wrong by yelling, blaming, or making rude comments. Unfortunately, quick fixes tend to be contrary to our real desires. So what can we do? The following are a few thoughts to consider when trying to the focus to our long-term goals.
1) Focus on effort. Specific effort-based-praise pays big dividends. Effort-based praise can be given regardless of winning, losing, playing well, or having an “off” day. Examples of effort-based praise are:
· You were sure working hard today trying to catch those balls!
· It sure looked like you were trying to keep your eye on the ball.
· Looks like you have been practicing your swing.
· I noticed the way you were encouraging your teammates.
2) Help your child to avoid “should” or “shouldn’t,” “can’t” or “won’t,” types of thinking and/or statements. To use some more baseball examples:
· I should have caught that!
· I shouldn’t have tried to steal the base.
· I can’t play short-stop.
· I won’t ever be able to pitch from 60 feet.
These ineffective, all or nothing, illogical thoughts can lead to real long-term problems. Focusing on things the child has control over, such as effort, can help our kids learn effective ways to view disappointments. Ignoring this type of talk and keeping focused on the child’s effort can be helpful. For example:
· You sure ran fast trying to steal. There will be another chance.
· I noticed your wind up. It looks like you have really been working on that.
3) Focus on others efforts. Sometimes it is tempting to put other teams or even your own team members down. Children who hear adults criticizing others learn to criticize others and themselves. If kids could verbalize how they internalize criticism it might sound something like, “If mom and dad think my teammate plays horribly when he messes up, they must think I play horribly when I mess up.” Conversely, when a child hears the parents saying things like, “John sure was trying hard out there” even when John missed some opportunities, the child gets the point that achievement is about effort, not avoiding mistakes.
These are a few of the ways parents can help their children attain the long-term goals they really want. Effort keeps the focus on something a child can control which leads to increased self-esteem, responsibility, ability to handle pressure and most of all, good health. Catch more ideas to get through baseball and other activities in next months issue!