“Sale ends today!”
“This is it! 20% off your entire purchase!”
“Your last chance (for real)!”
This was the subject of a series of emails I received from a company trying to entice me to make a pre-Christmas purchase. Did they stop? Of course not. Within 12 hours, I got another one titled, “All sales extended!” I had to laugh out loud. Normally, I don’t give a second thought to the barrage of emails I receive sharing “don’t miss it” about their latest and greatest sale, because I know that there will always be another one anytime I want it.
Its ironic how many people run their families just like these companies and many don’t even see the similarities. Just like these companies have trained us to completely ignore their offerings, pleas, threats, and promises, when we use these tactics with our kids, it works the same way.
Matthew was playing basketball after his practice. His mom said, “Matthew, come on, we need to go.” Matthew continued to play, without acknowledging his mom.
“Matthew, did you hear me, I said to come on!”
“In a minute!” Matthew replied, as he continued to shoot hoops.
“Matthew, I mean it, this is the LAST time I am asking, come now!!”
Matthew continued making shots, unaffected by his mom’s pleas. At this point, mom pulled out the big guns! “MATHEW JAMES JOHNSON, I said for you to come on this minute! And if you don’t, you will be grounded!”
“Just a minute Mom! Geez, I’m just trying to shoot one last shot!” was Mathew’s retort.
In her best “I mean it voice” Mom said, “Ok, but then you better come right away!” Matthew shot three more shots and then proceeded to dribble the ball around on his way to put it on the rack.
Matthew was well trained. He knew just how far he could push his mom- just how many warnings he would get before something “really” happened. This left mom frustrated and embarrassed as some of the other moms on the team witnessed this interaction. It also left Matthew with a very skewed picture of what obedience looks like.
So what is a parent to do? Sometimes it can feel like when we ask our children to do something without the use of force, punishments or bribery, we are at their mercy. Fortunately, there are some tools that we can use to increase our influence on our child’s behavior without the use of control.
When two people place their palms together, and one person starts to push, the other person has to make a choice, push back or get pushed over. When one person eases up on the pressure, the other person lets up to match us. This is human nature. Try it. Control and influence work the same way. When control is increased, influence is decreased, but when control decreases, it allows for influence to increase. When we use force or punishment to control, the child often pushes back, and thus, influence decreases. Parents are forced to increase the pressure (control) until the child is “pushed over” so to speak or gives in, at that point the parent’s positive influence dwindles. When we use skills that do not rely on control, the pressure lets up and allows us to increase our influence. The following are some tools that parents have found that help them do this.
First, we need to “Preplan & Prepare.” By discussing our plans and expectations prior to the event, we have a better chance of our children obeying when the event occurs. Sometimes we forget to let children in on all of our plans and expectations that are swimming in our heads prior to the event (we are busy parents for goodness sakes). Then we tell and demand our kids to do what we want and get surprised that they have other plans of their own. When we go over our plans and expectations prior to the event, we allow the child to ask questions, voice opinions, and get clarification all before we are in the heat of the battle. For instance, on the way to practice, Mom may have said, “Matthew, we are going to need to leave right after practice. I need to get home to finish laundry.” Matthew might complain about not having enough time and ask if he could have just a few minutes. That would have allowed his mom to say something like, “I know its disappointing but tonight won’t work since I have to get the laundry done before tomorrow. So what will I need you to do right after practice?” If she had experienced a lot of trouble with compliance with Matthew in the past, she may even follow up with asking a few more questions like, “What would I need to do if you were to happen to start shooting hoops instead of coming right away?” Questions are a great way to have the child engage in the Preplan & Prepare conversation. In addition, kids often come up with some ideas that the parent would not have thought of or considered.
Second, we can offer some choices. Before practice Mom might ask Matthew if he would like to go early to have some extra hoop time or just skip it this week since they have to leave right after practice. Mom may even ask Matthew if he would prefer to shoot 8 or 10 times and then leave. Choices offer the child some “say so” in the matter, which makes them much more willing to comply.
Last, we can use Positive & Powerful words. Positive & Powerful words are words that 1) keep the focus centered on the parent, 2) words that share what the parent’s plans are, 3) words that are said one time, and 4) words that are said in a respectful way. For example, Mom may have said, “Matthew I will be heading to the car now, I charge kids 25 cents per minute to hold the ride.” At this point, Mom starts walking and starts charging when she gets to the car. For a young child, Mom may say, “Matthew, I will be heading to the door to leave, I will be happy to take you to practice next week if you beat me to the door.” If Matthew doesn’t come, Mom will need to follow through on him missing practice the following week. But, if done without “I told you so’s” and anger, Matthew is likely to be ready to go the following practice, and he will have learned a lesson in listening the first time when his Mom says, “let’s go.” After a few times of doing this, Mom may even have a child that doesn’t think “yeah right!” when he hears the words “right now” or “last time."