In a bad situation, it’s always nice to have someone act like a rock. One who can stay calm while others are losing it. Knowing someone else is in control, we find ourselves being able to relax a bit. Conversely, a domino effect occurs when one person loses it and others follow suit. This is the same thing that can happen when our kids start to argue or talk back with us. During these times, we can act like the rock or we can follow their suit. It is natural for parents to start to mirror the same level of disrespect and stubbornness that the child puts out or even one up them to try to get it to stop. This happens because our bodies go into a “fight or flight” response. Unfortunately, this response causes us to lose the ability to make good parental decisions. So what can we do?
1. Provide clear limits: A rock holds firm to what is important, our family values. We treat each other with respect. That means our voices and actions stay respectful and we are only willing to listen to others who keep their voice and actions respectful. Simply put, we do this and allow our children to be in the room if they do the same.
2. Ask for a plan: Sometimes children can come up with a very workable plan that solves the problem. And the bonus is, we get their buy in. Asking, “What is your plan for …..” or “What were you hoping the plan for … would be?” allows children the chance to express their thoughts and possibly take responsibility for their needs. For example, “What is your plan to get your homework and chores done?” Parents are often surprised by the reasonable plans their children come up with.
3. Listen: When arguments and attitudes are at their worst, it is tempting to shut down and refuse to listen or demand our way to be heard. When we take a reasonable amount of time to listen to our child’s perspective, we can make good decisions about what we are willing to do or not do.
4. Ask for time to think about it: In this hurried world it’s easy to say “yes” or “no” to what is asked without really thinking. This makes for a lot of back- pedaling and unnecessary arguments. Having our first answer be, “give me a few minutes to think about that” or “I’ll need to get back to you on that” buys our brain a few seconds to comprehend what is being asked and make a thoughtful decision. For some decisions, providing a time when we will get back to the child can be helpful.
Most importantly, it is helpful to remember that just like when two hands are palm to palm and one person pushes, the other person naturally pushes back, and so it is with arguing. When we find ways to stand firm but not push back, we show good boundaries and allow the other person to adhere to them.