An old pair of jeans and cotton t-shirt slides on and fits just right. Well-worn clothes feel natural and comfortable, just like an old habit. On the contrary, when forced to wear a starched shirt and slacks, it can feel uncomfortable, awkward and itchy. Moreover, we may even feel like we look weird, and we may be embarrassed; just like when we try to form a new habit.
Just like clothes, we tend to pull out parenting habits that feel natural, many times not noticing we are using them. Without awareness and purposeful intervention we will tend to parent with habits similar to the ones we watched our parents use. This means that if our parent/s used a lot of control/manipulation, we will most likely do the same. If our parent/s were easy going/permissive, we will probably lean that way. Sometimes when we were hurt by our upbringing we try very hard to parent in a different way. At times that works, and sometimes our parenting just ends up being a different way of doing the same thing. For instance, parents who were raised with a heavy hand and yelling may try very hard not to be physical with their children; however, they may find themselves threatening or manipulating their kids. This would still be using a high degree of control, just in a different way. Some of us grew up in houses that had wishy-washy parenting. Our parent acted one way one time and a different way the next or they may have even changed ways right in the middle depending on their emotions (guilt or anger).
Consequently, of importance, is the realization that these experiences are a part of what we bring to the table. Our habits are formed from both our genetic traits and our experiences. When we see our spouse’s habits, we are seeing his/her genetic traits influenced by his/her experiences. This piece can greatly alter our perspective and therefore how we parent and how our spouse parents. We become wise when we gain awareness of this influence. We can be thankful for the positive influences that created some of our good habits and thankful for the ability to learn new strategies that may lead to new habits that are more positive and powerful in raising our own children.
Research indicates that it can take several months to learn a new habit. Several factors such as determination, purposeful practice and deep desire, can effect how long. Even factors like stress, rest, and nutrition can influence our learning. Most importantly, seeking God’s support in our mission of change will certainly provide us with the needed power, direction and motivation. Philippians 4:13 assures us that when we find ourselves in less than optimal circumstances, if we are reliant on Christ, all things become possible. This is helpful to remember during the challenges of learning a new habit.